Wednesday, December 17, 2008

First Steps down the Road to Recovery

I have been a compulsive crossdresser for about twenty years now, and most forums, support sites and other general sites say that crossdressing "is a way of life" or is "something a person is predisposed to". It is something "you can never change". "There is nothing wrong with the way you are and it is only a problem if you view it as such." Perhaps this is all true, but what do you do when your life is consumed by the problem? What do you do when the wife you love dearly has finally had enough and serves you a divorce notice and threatens to take away the kids you have nurtured their entire lives and have come to value more than your own life, but you have the proverbial monkey on your back, constantly wieghing you down. You want to change, and promise your self you'll never do it again, and promise your wife that you'll stop. You do change for a time, but the anger and frustration builds up inside and you blow! Knoking holes in walls, and smashing glasses on the floor. Then you give up and go back to the way you were. Never happy in either world. Crossdressing deperesses you because it hurts those you love, but not acting makes you feel like you're not being true to your nature.

After seeking guidence from parents, siblings, trusted friends, religious leaders, reasearching the internet and even a psychologist/theropist, I have found no solution to my problem. I want to change. I applaud those of you who have come to terms with yourselves and are happy in your crossdressing. I am not.

Finally in a passing comment to my children's pediotrition, he made the comment that crossdressing in and of its self is not wrong. It is the compulsiveness and consuming nature of the act that is the problem. He directed me to an LDS (Because I am LDS) 12 Step recovery program, addressing addictive behaviors of any kind. I know that many crossdressers don't believe they are addicted. If you are one of these, again, I am happy that it is not a problem for you, so please do not be critical of me and my point of views, go on to the next blog or forum. This is for the person like me, who is looking to change their life.

As I read about addictions I felt like I was reading about me. I felt like all I had to do was substitue "Crossdressing" in place of "Overeating" or "Alcohol". I only began the program two weeks ago and am in the begining phase of the Twelve Step program, based from the original AA Twelve Step Program. At this point I don't know too much about it, but for once in my life I feel hope, I feel like there are people like me who can relate to what I am going though, such as my feelings of lonliness, abandonment, and at times hopelessness and inability to change.

With the success rate of AA and other AA based programs, I hope to successfully continue down the "Road to Recovery". I am posting this blog more for my own theropy than for any other reason, but hopefully can share my thoughts, struggles, and hopefully successes with someone like myself. No one ever saw that my behavior was compulsive and made the connection to addiction and I wish that I had stumbled down this road years ago.

Best of luck to us all,