Wednesday, December 17, 2008

First Steps down the Road to Recovery

I have been a compulsive crossdresser for about twenty years now, and most forums, support sites and other general sites say that crossdressing "is a way of life" or is "something a person is predisposed to". It is something "you can never change". "There is nothing wrong with the way you are and it is only a problem if you view it as such." Perhaps this is all true, but what do you do when your life is consumed by the problem? What do you do when the wife you love dearly has finally had enough and serves you a divorce notice and threatens to take away the kids you have nurtured their entire lives and have come to value more than your own life, but you have the proverbial monkey on your back, constantly wieghing you down. You want to change, and promise your self you'll never do it again, and promise your wife that you'll stop. You do change for a time, but the anger and frustration builds up inside and you blow! Knoking holes in walls, and smashing glasses on the floor. Then you give up and go back to the way you were. Never happy in either world. Crossdressing deperesses you because it hurts those you love, but not acting makes you feel like you're not being true to your nature.

After seeking guidence from parents, siblings, trusted friends, religious leaders, reasearching the internet and even a psychologist/theropist, I have found no solution to my problem. I want to change. I applaud those of you who have come to terms with yourselves and are happy in your crossdressing. I am not.

Finally in a passing comment to my children's pediotrition, he made the comment that crossdressing in and of its self is not wrong. It is the compulsiveness and consuming nature of the act that is the problem. He directed me to an LDS (Because I am LDS) 12 Step recovery program, addressing addictive behaviors of any kind. I know that many crossdressers don't believe they are addicted. If you are one of these, again, I am happy that it is not a problem for you, so please do not be critical of me and my point of views, go on to the next blog or forum. This is for the person like me, who is looking to change their life.

As I read about addictions I felt like I was reading about me. I felt like all I had to do was substitue "Crossdressing" in place of "Overeating" or "Alcohol". I only began the program two weeks ago and am in the begining phase of the Twelve Step program, based from the original AA Twelve Step Program. At this point I don't know too much about it, but for once in my life I feel hope, I feel like there are people like me who can relate to what I am going though, such as my feelings of lonliness, abandonment, and at times hopelessness and inability to change.

With the success rate of AA and other AA based programs, I hope to successfully continue down the "Road to Recovery". I am posting this blog more for my own theropy than for any other reason, but hopefully can share my thoughts, struggles, and hopefully successes with someone like myself. No one ever saw that my behavior was compulsive and made the connection to addiction and I wish that I had stumbled down this road years ago.

Best of luck to us all,



  1. I'm glad I happened across this blog. I have a similar story, but without the kids. I am also attending a 12-step group and feel hope for the first time in my life. I haven't cross-dressed since the end of 2008 - when I got caught - but I still struggle with my thoughts.

    Getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was finally able to confess things that I had kept hidden for my entire life, and I feel like I have a fresh start, although my wife has left and filed divorce papers.

    I would love to hear more about how you are doing, including struggles and/or triumphs. It would help me to have somebody with similar struggles to talk to who shares my point of view on things. Email me at if you like. I hope to hear from you soon.

  2. I am in my mid fifties and I have been cross-dressing since I was eight years of age. My wife and children are long gone! I have often thought cross dressing is an addiction but I have also often been angered at women for being so apparently narrow on the subject.

    I have also found myself questioning my sexuality. I know most cross dressers are not homosexual and I don't think I am either (deep down). I do however, think my cross dressing and homosexuality are born of fear of intimacy. They give me a place to 'hide' effectively.

    I have argued all the myriad sides of this issue so often for so long now I'm getting bored and frustrated at going around in circles.

    I feel addicted (as in I'd really prefer to live a different life) and in truth I think I am. If I could I would stop cross dressing and I would be with a woman rather than a man but I have to admit to not knowing how.

    I'm in therapy but all that shows is that I'm afraid of intimacy and I withdraw at the slightest sign of rejection.

    I would love to find a suitable twelve step program as I really do believe there is a more active, more loving (of myself and others) life waiting for me out there.

    I'm a loving, full of life, healthy sort of person. I'm a happy life-giving and loving person and many of my friends love my multi-colored personality and they particularly like my gay side! So its hard to admit that I don't like it myself.

    I would love any help or advice you can give.

    I live in Ireland.

    1. Hi, I am extremely pleased to meet you. We have somehow something in common, since my boyfriend as I posted earlier, is a cross dresser and the love of my life. I do know how unhappy he is with this situation and before I met him, tried to commit suicide to stop it. He does not want it but admits that he is addicted to it, the high it takes him, sexually, and how he feels good about himself as he cross dresses. Unfortunately, the other side is devastating for him. I will not leave him but do not encourage the cross dressing. I do not blame him, it is an addiction. And as I mentioned in my post, if a person needs to change himself to feel good, there is a problem somewhere. I would like to hear from you, I see you as a friend, not a cross dresser, I do not think this is who you are really.

  3. i am glad i read this blog as well. i am up in the middle of the night feeling sorry for myself because my husband is a cross dresser. i do not know about you guys or really anyone except how i feel about my husband cross dressing. i feel like it is so selfish. maybe that is not the way all cross dressers act my husband may be unique. however, he gets all dressed up and wants to have sex. i am not attracted to women. he goes to the store to buy nylons, panties and could care less if i am wearing flannel pjs. he is attracted to his self and he wants to dress up for his own self. he is turned on by seeing his body in my clothes, wearing make-up and looking like a woman. i do not feel like he wants or needs me in the relationship. i could go alone with it if i felt like he was attracted to me. try to put yourself in your partners shoes before you put a dress on.

  4. Taylor - thank you for your thoughtful, sensitive post. It's been a while since you've posted, so it would be good to read an update.

    Journal of abuse - I'd like to get in touch with you as we have a shared struggle. If you happen to read this, please email me at

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. So excitd to hear of this handful (which I think represents so many more unspoken sufferers) who are taking this seriously! You CAN stop, though the power (like AA says) is not from your sheer "pull up your boot straps" volition. It comes from honest and open reflection on yourself, your desires, and your values... not to mention your "higher power" as AA emphasizes. There is HOPE, There is HEALING.

  9. I'm a crossdresser and thinking of going transgender. I have no children and no girlfriend. I actually have good reason for doing this as I get a lot of attention and am told I am a beautiful woman. However I still have a lot of doubt. Men have lived as men for thousands of years without this option so am I just destroying what i'm meant to be?

    Me aside. I know a few crossdressers who are completely male through and through. They dont look like women, sound or think or act like women. There is one i've met who is transitioning(hrt)even thought the doctors(transgender sympathetic doctors by the way)have denied him the drugs.

    He has a family. One of his children is 7 years overdue for a valve in his heart!!!!
    He is on a disability pension and spends vast amounts of time on a circular delivery for a pittance of money.

    Another, a hulking man of a transgender, has that masculine dispostion where no matter how he looks or comes off on the outside he just feels soaringly confident on the inside. You know the type of guy. He must have been able to bed a lot of women b4 he turned trans with that trait.

    And the amount of these man trannies and cds that cheat on their wives!!!!

    Crossdressing ruins lives for sure and can (at least!)be an addiction.

    The difference with me is my life has improved since I've embraced my condition. Anyway I was looking for a way to break the addiction if it is that because even though my life is actually better I still think their is a lot to be said for a normal life. Also the amount of married men that contact me is disturbing.

    Is all of this just another part of the great gender rift in our gentle and woe betide european people which began after 1945?

    What i'm saying is, is it selfish for any male of our race to behave this way?

  10. I am a crossdresser who absolutely hates myaelf for it. I seem to have a split personality even though various tests indicate that I don't. Drug and alcohol use have turned my problem into a never ending nightmare. Back in the fall of 2000, I was arrested for 1st degree ATTEMPTED Sexual assault. No assault ever took place, but was the result of a 2 month long orchestration by my own attorney and my prosecuter to have me put away (The original charge was a non sex charge of simple assault, which I also deny happened) From there, I went on a 8yr journey through Colorado's Judicial System which included 3 1/2 yrs of me doing a LIFE SENTENCE for all of this. I was finally able to get my conviction overturned, and I am physically free with no registration or penalties of any kind. However, some of the citizens in my community will always view me as a monster and so it seems that I always will carry this load. I am bitter and depressed. I love the town I'm in and I will not leave, even though I am viewd with scorn, hatred and ridicule by a lot of people. I want so desperately to rid myself of my desire to crossress FOREVER. I know I can't judge other people, but crossdressing has ruined my life completely and i fear will banish me to hell. It sure sucks to be me.

  11. How bout some more posts? Your journey has immense value to those of us who struggle with this issue. Please write some more :)

  12. I also have been a cd for more than 40 years and now have been in recovery for 15. In my opinion what er are dealing with is an addiction and also a sin. I could not get close to my Lord while in the throes of trying to be vicki and in his grace he led me out of the bondage I had been in for so many years. I still struggle with thoughts and I have slipped occasionally but overall I have learned a lot about why I do these crazy things and I have found that the more I trust God with my feelings the better things go. It is not easy and if you are serious about overcoming this then you and I will be in recovery for life but it sure beats the alternative of going back to the misery.

  13. Last night things came to a head with my wife and I. Let me give you some background on our situation. About a year ago, I came out to my wife that I was a cross dresser. She had suspected some thing was up with me, and was actually relieved at first that it wasn't another women I was seeing. At first she was very supportive and actually took me out shopping and on outings several times. But I could sense that she was growing more and more uncomfortable with my cross dressing.
    Am I an addict? Stepping back and looking at my behaviors over the last year, I'd have to say "yes". I spent a lot of time and some money shopping for different outfits and shoes. I have been a cross dresser for most of my life. I guess I have a pretty typical story in that I started to have desires to dress at a very young age. And like most of us, I have gone through phases of dressing and not dressing, purging and then building my clothes collection back up, etc.
    Last night when my wife told me she had had enough and and couldn't trust me anymore. She told me she was going to stay with friends for a few days to think about where our marriage is. I had to sit back and think to my self, which is more important to me, my cross dressing or my wife. I made the decision this morning that my wife is more important to me than cross dressing. This is a hard thing to do for me, because I am addicted to it. I'm addicted to he feeling of being a woman out in public, walking through the mall. I make a very passable and attractive woman. And possibly part of the frustration my wife feels is that the few times she and I have been out, I get more attention than she does. Big problem.
    Anyway, I'm so happy to find this blog about cross dressing addiction. Like a lot of other addictions, people can do it day in and day out with out any problems. Not so for me. If I was single and no kids, I could happy spend all my non-working time as a woman. I'd be blissfully happy having two live and not transitioning to become a woman, but just enjoy two lives. But this isn't for me. I love my wife and need to have her in my life.
    So where does this leave me? It leaves me treating my cross dressing as an addiction. I'm going to look into a twelve step program like an AA type program and see if that is where I want to go with my recovery. Like they say in AA, "One day at a time."
    Feel free to post replies.
    Kate (formerly Kate that is)

  14. hi there, I've been cross dressing on & off (will mention why) for about 23-24yrs now.

    being that I've also been a Christian for 22yrs, I really need support (without paying for it) to deal with my cross dressing addiction.

    I'm single, but still live at home with my mum, so it can be a bit hard at times.

    the on & off is because I basically stopped cross dressing as offer as i did in 2004, but since then I have given back into it a few times, buying clothes & then purging them after re-thinking why I needed the cross dressing in my life.

    I've now seen 2 counsellors to seek help to get control of it in my everyday life, as well as continually praying & asking God for help.

    this is something though I know maybe forever in my life, is something that I don't want in my life anymore

    1. Hi all, I am very grateful that I found this website since the love of my life, my soul mate is a cross dresser for a very long time, to be precised over 30 years. I met him 1 year and a half ago, of course not knowing anything about it. I found pictures by accidents and was totally shocked and devastated. With time, I came to term with it and will not leave him. Without a doubt I believe that cross dressing is a powerful addiction as alcohol and drugs are and that a man that cross dresses has some issues with himself, the way he views and honor who he is. Cross dressing makes him forget, makes him feel good about himself, he looks good or thinks he does, he changes who he really is.
      Believe it or not, he is by far the best thing that ever happened to me but I want him and not her. I know there is a fine line and I also know that he has tried to stop and that is killing him but by accepting him and loving him unconditionally, not to bash him when I know he crossdressed the night before, I always look at him and he loves my eyes, I tell him that I love him and no matter what, I will always do.
      He is loyal, tender, funny and I love him for who he is, but cross dressing is destroying him and of course I am very concerned about it. I am hoping that with time and love and to teach him to love himself, he will end it and be happy at last

  15. In truth, after reading most of the posts here, I think I've realized the key to any crossdressers addiction. It ALL depends on your self love.

    Take me for example. I discovered crossdressing out of pure curiosity when I was 11 years old by trying on some of my mothers clothes after school one day. I fell in love with how a skirt feels ever time it brushed against my panyhose covered legs. But in fear of being caught, I rarely did it. And after a while I gave it for several years. But when I was about 22, I started crossdressing again, and now Im addicted to it. I've actually purged 3 times. But I've spent (and lost) probably close to $600.

    Anyway, I think self love is the key to crossdressing because that's a MAJOR issue in my life. I staryed gaining weight when I was 11 or 12, and I've overwight since. Now days Im around 100lbs overweight. So, my self love, respect, confidence, and basically my morals are not as good as they should be. And when I indulge in my crossdressing fantasy, I find that pride I want for my self. That "love and awe" ever person should have for themselves.

    So, I think if you are feeling similarly, I think your own self love and appreciation just may be your issue.

    Also, thanks to all who posted here. Im glad found this forum which has now given this clarity I've found.

  16. I am a 59 yer-old post-op transsexual.
    I love being a woman.
    My only regret is the narrow boundaries society puts on clothes.
    Just because I'm a woman, do I need to dress to prove I am?
    The same goes for female to male transsexuals.
    Society needs to get it's head on straight.
    Off things that in the grand scheme of things mean nothing and on to important things.

  17. I'm addicted to breathing and eating -- can't stop for the life of me -- literally. If you accept that someone else can tell you what it means to be you, then there's not much to be said on the matter.

    For too long, I accepted that my gender was up to the society into which I was born. It cost me dearly. I wish I had woken up much earlier and realized that I cannot lead a happy life if I deny myself to myself.

  18. I have struggled with this most of my life. I believe I am not content as I am but this activity does not change any of that. It does not interfere with my ability to function it has not hindered my ability to live responsibly. There are two basic facts. 1. I was born male and that fact can not be changed even those who mutilate their selves through surgery are still only mutilated males. I did realize surgery would be a wrong choice for myself so that is not a problem. 2. Mentally I am male. My brain functions or is "wired" male and will never function in the same way as a female brain. It is difficult to understand but the sexes have definite mental differences which cannot be changed. So no matter what I do I am stuck being a man. Realizing this difference I asked myself what is the point, it took the wind out of my sails. I am confronted with a basic physical and mental fact. Not being content we dream of being something we can never be as an escape. It is impossible. Drugs never change reality and once they are metabolized reality confronts us again. It is an endless cycle that never brings satisfaction. We find we are never content it works about as well as banging our head into a wall. I believe the key must be found by returning to the unchangeable fact of our sex (physical and mental). Then I need to ask myself why am I not content being who I am? Men and Women confront the same world and both successfully make sense of life, deal with it and live happily as they are. The sexes exist in the world and their way of being in the world is different. I can not exist or be in the world as anything else but as a man anything else is simply impossible for me. I am what I am content or not. I am a man. There are benefits to being who we are and those must be considered and focused on and there are things that are not beneficial for the opposite sex and I suppose we should consider and focus on those too because they may help us to realize being who we are is alright, cannot be changed and we may learn to accept and to enjoy what we have and make the most of it. I suppose there are negative things about being our sex but the other sex can comfort us. Having a Mate is a good thing, some may be content being alone, but some find comfort in companionship. Well...I am working on the problem and this will do for now.

  19. have enjoyed I reaing your articles. It is well written. It looks like you spend a large amount of time and effort in writing the blog. I dam appreciating your effort. You can visit my website
    Stop Addictions

  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

  21. My once supportive GF (she liked it at one time) went ballistic when I went out in Sept 2015 on my own to meet another CD' sister' for a coffee. When I got back late she totally freaked on me and partially blamed me for helping destroy our relationship.I never touched the other CD more than a quick hug when we met and departed.I love my ex gf SO much and am losing my mind without her,I thought she was my last love when I met her at age 46. Damn crossdressing has cost me other past relationships.I want this to GO way forever or at least to have little or no desire.I want my girlfriend so much,I am crumbling without her and would do anything to be her man!
    Someone please help cure me of this nonsense.I am open to suggestion.I often think it is a lack of interest in your partner that contributes to dressing but I need to make a change because I never realized how great I had it with her. SHE can be the woman I will gladly be the man from now on she is worth it...if she ever speaks to me again...

  22. I have been a crossdresser for years look good very passable and can even do the voice,the moves,mannerisms all of it .I used to have guys trying to pick me up all night( I refused as I'm straight) when I went out a lot in the late 90's and had a great bunch of friends in Toronto.It was fun but after an entire night I'd often had enough.I did this nearly every other week for nearly 4 years,expensive hobby as it is.
    I also had over the years 5 girlfriends who encouraged it and dressed me fully some got a kick out of it BUT like all things I believe most women have an expiration date in regards to how long they will be accepting.My last gf of almost 7 years was amazing with it but once I got into a deep depression and started to question my sexuality she automatically considered me just like Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn which I know more than ever I am not.I am currently on antidepressants and now see things much clearly,I'm more driven, more focused and know what I want finally after many years of struggling with all kinds. Women don't mind many of us wearing a few things here and there BUT ultimately they like being the girl and want a MAN beside them they like the security of feeling safe and another woman being there will eventually turn her off. I should know.
    My last gf has told her new guy and perhaps her entire family as they will no longer reply to me in any way.I wish I could reaffirm to her that I am more man than when she first met me and regret any turmoil I put her through,dressing + depression ruined a once loving relationship,I thought she was to be my wife and would do anything to change her mind about me.

    Crossdressing is ultimately a relationship destroyer in many cases as in my own.I want to be free of ANY and all desire for the rest of my life ,thanks so much for any leads and a very well written site, Good Luck friend H


  23. Effective drug treatment centers should take care of an assortment of addictions. Find Alcohol Rehab Near Me to END Alcohol Addiction - Start today!